I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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