cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
