I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
