Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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