The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
