When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Don't tell me you're on acid again
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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