I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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