I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
