it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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