im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
