beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
