True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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