And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
