yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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