What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
