i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
