Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
