I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
