Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize