I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize