i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
