dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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