I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
