you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
