She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize