Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
