Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
