That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
