you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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