i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
