When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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