i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize