do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize