Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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