At least make sure they are 18
Why
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
