i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
