Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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