My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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