I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize