I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
