nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
