it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
