my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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