I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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