if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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