I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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