Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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