I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
