I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
