and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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