whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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