I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
