we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
