Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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