he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is my gift to your gina
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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