ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
