I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
