how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
